When we became Christians part of our growth included taking an honest look at what the Bible says about marriage because it’s not always what the world would have you believe. Marriage isn’t a fairy tale.
We’ve been married 19 years. We’ve raised 7 babies. We’ve fought about money, parenting, and everything in between. We’ve lived on food stamps, buried a child we never got to hold, and had days where the “D word” came up.
But we’ve also laughed until our sides hurt. We’ve prayed through storms. We’ve watched God heal wounds we thought would never close.
We’re still here. Not because we always got it right, but because grace met us every single time we got it wrong.
These 10 truths come from our own marriage, from counseling other couples, and most importantly, from God’s Word. They’re not a list of rules to shame you, judge you, or make a personal stab at your habits.
They’re intended to be general guidelines for two, equally-yoked believers trying to live out the truths of Scripture. To serve as guardrails to protect the most sacred earthly covenant you’ll ever make. And most of all to open up the conversation for you and your spouse to begin living out intentional marriages.
Revelation 19:9 says “Then the angel said to me, ‘Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!ʼˮ A godly marriage is a honored reflection of the Lord’s working in our lives. Here’s how that looks for us.
Table of Contents
Now we could go straight to preaching about sexual immorality (Matthew 5:32) or pluck out single Scripture quotations like Titus 2:5. There are lots of Scriptures about Marriage you can read, but instead we want to focus on realistic, if challenging tips for marriage. Less about who made dinner today, and more about loving each as Christ loves us.
1 Peter 4:8 – Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Because that’s the cornerstone of all these tips. Love for God and for each other. When we shared our heart in a quick, character-limited Instagram reel it went viral and we have hundreds and hundreds of comments.
We decided to take a moment in this post to expand on each point, share additional verses and ultimately preach the gospel of Jesus Christ and how it’s impact our marriage.
1. Prioritize Time Together
We aren’t just talking about date nights, wording we used in our viral Instagram post that caused a lot of interesting conversation. Apparently different people define “dating your spouse” in different ways. What we mean is intentional time to reconnect with your spouse alone.
That could be a fancy dinner out while you leave the kids home with a babysitter, sure. But we also understand that isn’t feasible for every one at every season in life. Thankfully it’s also not necessary. What is absolutely vital however is making a point to stay connected, no matter how busy you are.
Ephesians 5:15-16 says “Be very careful, then, how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity.” For our marriage, this means creating opportunities within your daily routines for staying connected with your spouse.
If you’re too busy for each other, you’re too busy for the will of God. We call it B.U.S.Y. or “Being Under Satan’s Yoke“. Early in our marriage, we fell into the trap of always saying, “It’s just a busy season. But seasons turn into lifestyles, and lifestyles shape your heart.
Now, we protect our time together. Sometimes it’s a night out. Sometimes it’s a walk after dinner. Sometimes it’s just holding hands while we pray before bed. It’s not about spending money. It’s about making each other a priority.
2. Intimacy Is a Gift, Not a Weapon
Probably the number one thing we got push back about on our viral Instagram reel was this passage from 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. But as twisted as it’s become by the world and by selfish thinking, this passage isn’t about control. It’s not a weapon to punish. It’s not about taking. It’s about love.
God designed intimacy to be mutual, sacred, and life-giving. There have been seasons where stress or hurt made us drift apart physically. The healing came when we stopped using intimacy as leverage and started seeing it as a way to bless each other.
Sometimes libidos are mismatched, about 25-30% of the time women have higher libidos and in other couples the men do. Women’s desire is more readily impacted by fatigue levels or emotional health such as anger and bitterness, which means taking care of her physically and emotionally is important.
Other times there are health issues that impact libido and reproductive function. We believe part of what scripture calls us to is making sure our health is good, which is #10 on the list. If this is a concern for you, there are some things that can be done to help reestablish physical health in this area, from natural lubricant you can make yourself, to using essential oils for libido.
In a healthy, loving relationship, intimacy is freely given with tenderness, respect, and joy. In fact one of our team members, Angela, shared that in a conversation with their teen son, he used the term “joyful connection” to describe their healthy relationship vs. worldly relationships.
Praise God! That is the goal. Not selfishly seeking the temporary high of an orgasm, but seeking the joyful connection true intimacy brings.
3. Keep Marriage Above Your Kids’ Activities
We love cheering for our kids. And providing lots of activities and enrichment opportunities for them from Run Club to drama and more. What parent doesn’t? But we’ve also learned that if we constantly choose their schedules over our marriage, we’re sowing seeds of disconnection.
Mark 10:6-9 says “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.ʼ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Far too often kids, and the expectations of our community around us, can do exactly that. Separate you from your spouse. It can be easy to get overbooked and end up like ships passing in the night, never having a spare moment to check in with each other.
One year, we turned down a sports league because it conflicted with Sunday worship and our family dinner time. Our kids learned that our marriage, our family, and our walk with God come first and that’s a lesson worth more than any trophy.
4. Model Love for Your Children
If your kids only see you argue, you’re teaching them dysfunction. We’ve made it a point to let our children see us hug, kiss (yes, even the silly “moochy” ones), and make up after disagreements.
Your marriage is their first model of love. Show them what grace, respect, and reconciliation look like. There are so many Bible verses about love and our actions bring them to life for our kids.
“Start children off in the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.ˮ Proverbs 22:6 When kids see what a marital relationship looks like, how an excellent wife and godly husband act towards each other, they begin to expect that for their future.
Now only are teaching them how to act, but how to choose a future with a good, equally yoked partner.
John 13:34-35 reminds us that we are the first example of Christ’s love our children will ever see. It says, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
When Paul rewrote his own version of the household codes in Colossians 3:18-19 it’s the first time a directive to love was mentioned. Roman law didn’t require it. Common culture didn’t expect it. But in Christ everything changed.
As parents, one of the greatest compliments we could imagine is our children growing up and saying, “They loved the Lord, and each other.” What a goal to strive for, Amen?
5. Strive for Unity in Finances & Beyond
In our early years, we kept separate bank accounts. It wasn’t intentional division, but it created space for misunderstandings. “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” ~ Amos 3:3
Over time, we learned that unity in finances is about unity in heart. “A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” ~ Genesis 2:24
This isn’t about whether you have one account or three. It’s about whether you’re working toward the same vision. If you are both on the same team, working together within your individual giftings, you’ll see a big difference then coming at it as two opposing forces.
And the call to unity doesn’t apply only to finances. Colossians 3:14 reminds us “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” When we make a vow to love, honor, and cherish our spouse we are choosing to align ourselves as one team, one unit.
So often Ephesians 5:22 gets pulled out and misused without the beginning of the sentence, verse 21. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ…” is the beginning of the sentence that continues to include wives in the next verse. The point is unity in Christ. Unselfishly working together for the glory of God.
6. Pray Together Daily
Nothing has held us together more than praying as a couple. Some days it’s a few minutes in the morning; other days it’s an hour before bed. But every day, it’s our lifeline.
When you pray together, you invite the Holy Spirit into your marriage. Where He reigns, division cannot.
“If two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them… For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” ~ Matthew 18:19-20
So many things that try to separate us and divide us. Life is hard. Mark 10:9 says, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” That means you have to be influenced by God’s leading more than any other voice or influence around you. And means prayer. Together. Every day.
7. Seek Peace From the Prince of Peace
Genesis 2:18 reminds us that it’s not good for us to be alone. We need each other and we need Jesus. He is the Prince of Peace and it’s Him that our hope is established.
For years, we thought peace came when the bills were paid, the kids behaved, and the house was clean. But that wasnʼt peace, merely control.
Real peace only comes from Jesus. When He is Lord over your home, you can rest even when life is messy.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you… Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.ˮ ~ John 14:27
There are so many scriptures about peace and a godly-sourced peace is beyond our understanding. It’s more than anything we can do on our own. It requires that connection with the Lord.
8. Choose Forgiveness
We’ve both had to forgive each other for things that hurt deeply. Forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring the pain. It means releasing it so it can’t poison your marriage.
Unforgiveness will choke the Spirit out of your home. Forgiveness will breathe life back into it. “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.ˮ Colossians 3:13 reminds us.
And it may feel impossible sometimes. We know that first hand. But then Jesus…
John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.ˮ And with His forgiveness and grace to us, He empowers us to walk in that and pass that on to others.
Emotional detox can be healing physically as well as spiritually, so you’re only hurting yourself when you hang on to bitterness and let anger rule.
9. Keep the Sabbath Together
“The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.ˮ ~ Mark 2:27
The Sabbath isn’t optional. It’s also not intended to be a burden. God created it to refresh you. Just as sleeping gives your body time to heal and be restored, the Sabbath does the same mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Joshua 24:15 says “But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve… But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”
We know that children who attend church regularly report higher levels of happiness, more community involvement, and other positive social factors. So it’s an important, healthy part of nurturing them as parents. And who better to set that example than you!
In our home, Sabbath means no work, minimal screens, worship, and family meals. It’s amazing what a day of rest will do for your marriage.
10. Nourish Your Family’s Health God’s Way
You can’t out-supplement a poor diet. We used to live on quick, processed meals when life got busy. Over time, God convicted us to slow down and make food a ministry in our home.
Cooking together has become one of our favorite ways to connect and it shapes our children’s future health. Choosing bioactive foods close to the way God created them, and making healthy meal plans for your family, can transform your family’s health.
“Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.ˮ says 1 Corinthians 10:31. I love the verse Proverbs 31:10 “An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.” It’s a reminder that we work best as a team.
Dr. Z researches the broad strokes, and Mama Z finds clever, organized ways to implement the findings into our family’s routines. When we are each operating in our best areas of gifting our marriage is stronger, and our health is better too.
It’s almost impossible to feel your best emotionally if you have chronic disease or serious health issues plaguing you as well. When you feel better physically, you can often begin to put energy and time into the relationship in a more effective way.
Creating healthy habits for living, is just one way to honor your spouse, and be a good steward of the temple God gave you (your body).
We don’t share these truths because we’ve perfected them. We share them because we’ve lived the consequences of ignoring them… and the blessings of embracing them. Please join the conversation on Instagram and follow along! It’s always a blessing to hear your thoughts and to pray for you.
If your marriage feels distant right now, it’s not too late. Start with one step. One prayer. One moment of intentional love.
God can rebuild what feels broken and we are living proof of that. Our goal and mission is always that you may live a more abundant life in every area (John 10:10) and that includes a healthy marriage.
- PMID: 36695962
- https://hsph.harvard.edu/news/religious-upbringing-adult-health/
